He fought for life, not for points

Karate Kid star Pat Morita died at the age of 73 last week in Las Vegas. In related news, Karate Kid star Ralph Macchio might as well be dead.

You say Tor-chure, I say Tor-cha

Amnesty International has accused Tony Blair of undermining decades of human rights progress after ministers admitted they would use information gained by torture to prevent attacks on the United Kingdom. Blair had this to say:

“We are against torture of any kind...that happens on purpose. Like, did you ever borrow a CD from a friend, and then you keep forgetting to return it, and then they move away so you just keep it? This is just like that. Except instead of accidentally stealing someone’s CD, we’re talking about accidentally shooting someone up with saline solution to make them urinate on themselves. Whoops!”

Syria's been throwing up all day

Many Muslim countries including Egypt, Syria, and Algeria skipped a summit meeting opening a two-day conference with the European Union. After agreeing to attend, many of the top leaders of these nations announced that they could not, like King Mohammed VI of Morocco, who said he had business with Japan; President Hosni Mubarak of Egypt, whose grandma died; and President Abdelaziz Bouteflika of Algeria, who had to wash his hair.

Placards and Bug Spray

War protesters left their campsite in a field near President Bush's ranch Sunday, vowing to return during Easter for a third vigil if U.S. troops are still in Iraq. Alan promised that he would not forget the marshmallows again if the third vigil does in fact take place. However, all protesters agreed that they would prefer the safe return of all U.S. troops over sharing delicious s’mores.

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The following mental images should be hilarious to those who know me personally.

Tonight I took my first Bikram Yoga class. For those of you who don't know what Bikram Yoga is, it is standing in a 900 degree room filled with sports bras, being asked to smile while also being asked to stretch and twist in impossible ways for 90 minutes while Satan laughs at you. Surpisingly, I had to take a couple of breaks.

While I waited for my girlfriend to get changed after class, I overheard another student tell Nick, our instructor, "I've been studying this for about four or five months and I've never worked out like that. That was really hard." Nick, (who had already identified me as a new-comer) then looked over at me with a smile and asked, "How are we holding up, Joe?" I replied by throwing up.

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Finally,

Yesterday's classic movie quote was from...Back to the Future Part II.

James Woods did not submit a guess this week. Only "Maggie" guessed correctly. What does this mean? "Maggie" has killed James Woods.

People Magazine's Sexiest Ambassador Alive

Continuing her role as a United Nations goodwill ambassador, Angelina Jolie traveled to the town of Balakot in earthquake-ravaged Pakistan this Thanksgiving. At a press conference before departing, Jolie said: “Pakistan? I don’t have any babies from there yet!”

Disaster Preparedness Step 1: Do not put me in charge of the disaster

Former FEMA director Michael Brown announced this week that he is starting a disaster-preparedness consulting firm. The name of his business: Michael Brown, I.L.L.C., which of course stands for “Ironic Limited Liability Company.”

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Can you guess what movie this classic movie quote is from?

"Marty! You've got to come back with me."

For some reason, I decided to post a movie quote here on Sunday nights so that three or four people can guess what movie it is from tomorrow.

Movie answer tomorrow!!!

Don't Even Think About It

A new Vatican document excludes most gay men, (even those who are celibate), from the priesthood, only allowing ordination for candidates who have experienced "transitory" homosexual tendencies that have been "clearly overcome." In order to be certain that their tendencies were overcome, candidates will subjected to a scientific screening that the Vatican is calling the "Gyllenhaal Test."

Iraq puts on its pajama pants and Pearl Jam t-shirt

At a reconciliation conference in Cairo this week, Iraq's warring political factions united in a call for the withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq. This is considered the most significant of recent gestures calling for the departure of U.S. forces, including many citizens of Iraq cleaning up, turning the music off, and repeatedly telling U.S. forces that they really have to get up early tomorrow and take care of some shit.

No 2nd Helpings of Life

Ruth M. Siems, inventor of Stove Top stuffing, died at the age of 74. In a statement from her family, Ms. Siems will be cremated before her remains reach their final resting place, inside the body cavity of a 14 lb Butterball turkey.

James Woods is a Man

Yesterday's classic movie quote was from...Back to the Future Part II.

James Woods was the only one who correctly guessed the right movie. (James Woods did not post a comment in my blog. His eyes told me he knew the answer as he shouted in front of a bunch of lights while AC/DC played before the Eagles game tonight.) None of you, no matter how hard you try, will ever be James Woods.

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Text-Based Cat Cartoon #5

Rays of sunlight shine through the stained-glass windows of a beautiful cathedral. A serious-faced, yet happy groom looks into the eyes of his new bride. His brow furrows slightly as a small, droll smile rests on his face.

The priest, dressed in his finest robes and vestments, watches another union form before the Lord from behind his pulpit. Although this scene is very familiar to him, he knows that this marriage will not be his last. He continues:

PRIEST: "And do you Jane, take Ronald to be your lawful wedded husband, for the rest of your third life and as much of your fourth life as you feel like?"

The bride, groom and priest are all cats.

Movie Quote of the Day (11/13)

Can you guess what movie this classic movie quote is from?

"Oh, yeah! Everything is great."

If you are literate, you can read this movie quote and then use your brain to remember what movie it is from.

Movie answer tomorrow (or later on today!!!)!!!

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There were a lot of subway disruptions this weekend. If you're ever stuck on the subway for a while, allow me to suggest a "game" to amuse yourself.

Read each ad and imagine the word "motherfucker" at the end of the slogan.

Your New Year's resolution can change your life. Call Interboro today, motherfucker.

New Yorkers have counted on HIP's health plan for over 58 years, motherfucker.

Author Joyce Meyer has the cure for being insecure, motherfucker.

I Ride The Bus

I have consistently crammed my current black messenger bag full of crap long enough that it has once again reached the point at which it is beginning to fall apart. The stitching under the handle on the top of the bag has come completely undone, making it look like the top half will rip off any minute now.

I carried this bag slung on my shoulder on my way to the bus. Since I'd probably be waiting for the bus for a while, I decided to run two quick errands.

First, I bought a cheeseburger from the near-by Burger King because I'm a health-nut and I love taking care of myself.

Then I bought 16 plastic hangers from CVS. I'm not giving a reason for that.

Of course when I got to the M23 bus terminal, a bus was already idling in place. This caused me to run like a maniac, swearing to myself, ripped bag swinging wildly around my neck, half-eaten cheesburger in hand, carrying a big goddamned CVS bag filled with plastic hangers.

It was at this point that I realized that I had become the crazy person on the bus.

Would You Like To Be 8 Years Old Again?

Before you answer the question posed in today's title, please visit this self proclaimed "Weird Blog."

"My Weird Blog"

I know for a fact that this blogger is not 15. AN EIGHT YEAR OLD KID MADE THIS BLOG.

The worst part of it is that I'm still equally fascinated and amused by the idea of mutants and vampires.

I can't wait to read some of his sketches 14 years from now.

Sacks with Dollar Signs on Them

Text-Based Cat Cartoon #4

An outlaw crouches in desperation below his window, next to two giant sacks labelled with dollar signs. His hideout is littered with bills and cigarette butts. He grips a tommy gun, a cigarette balanced precariously on his lower lip. He is prepared to make his final stand. As bullets come flying through his window, his attention is brought, momentarily, to a figure behind him. Is it Johnny Law, having broken down his front door to take him in alive? No. He sees a familar face; cool, calm, and collected in spite of the melee. Suddenly he speaks:

"So, are you going to feed me or what?"

The familiar face belongs to a cat.

Nanas and Nuts

Last week's classic movie quote was from...Back to the Future Part II.

The only person who was correct was "Maggie." The rest of you should bow down before her. You are all very welcome for what I'm sure was an amazing week filled with tension, nail-biting, and blog-checking. This blog, and the movie trivia game existing within it may be my greatest contribution to society.

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I fell off of the bloggosphere last week. When this all started my parents said that I wasn't ready for the responsibility of a blog, and they were right. I got so swept up with Halloween, homecoming stuff, and my karate classes that I totally neglected my blog. When I came to my blog to check it today, it wouldn't even come near me. It yapped it's head off and snapped at me when I tried to share my thoughts and dreams with the world.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...you were right, Mom and Dad. Please give me one more chance. I can prove to you guys, and Grandpa, that I can handle this responsibility.