Hawk Attack!

There's nothing like waking up in the morning and seeing a headline like this: "Hawks Attack More Than 100 People in Rio"

I can't decide what I like better; this lead: "Residents of crime-plagued Rio de Janeiro have a new kind of predator to worry about -- hawks" or this quote: "This happens all the time in poor areas and people think it's funny, but when it happens in rich neighborhoods they start calling them attacks."

If poor people getting attacked by hawks is funny, rich people getting attacked by hawks is hilarious. A poor person hawk-attack makes me kinda sad. What's more symbolic of a guy getting kicked while he's down than a homeless man under hawk-attack? Witnessing a wealthy dowager being menaced by a bird of prey would make me laugh for days.

Now is the perfect time for me to finally share my...

HAWK ATTACK PREVENTION TIPS

* Don't wear your coat made of small rodents and pigeons today.

* Make it appear to the hawk as though you are already being attacked by a falcon.

* Loudly accuse those around you of attempting to steal eggs and hawklings.

* Cool it with the avian slurs today, especially any hawk-specific hate words.

* Contain Dominique Wilkins and you should be fine.

* Let the hawks know that you are only pretending to be a wealthy archaeologist, and that you are actually a "hawkman" from the planet Thanagar.

* Be a bear or some other huge animal that a hawk wouldn't ---- with.

* Wear a thick rubber glove on your out-stretched arm. The hawk may be tired from attacking and may just want to perch.

* Stay inside, drink, and laugh maniacally to yourself about how you warned the residents of your hawk-plagued town that this day would come.

* You finally have a reason to release your own hawks in self-defense.