Hawk Attack!

There's nothing like waking up in the morning and seeing a headline like this: "Hawks Attack More Than 100 People in Rio"

I can't decide what I like better; this lead: "Residents of crime-plagued Rio de Janeiro have a new kind of predator to worry about -- hawks" or this quote: "This happens all the time in poor areas and people think it's funny, but when it happens in rich neighborhoods they start calling them attacks."

If poor people getting attacked by hawks is funny, rich people getting attacked by hawks is hilarious. A poor person hawk-attack makes me kinda sad. What's more symbolic of a guy getting kicked while he's down than a homeless man under hawk-attack? Witnessing a wealthy dowager being menaced by a bird of prey would make me laugh for days.

Now is the perfect time for me to finally share my...

HAWK ATTACK PREVENTION TIPS

* Don't wear your coat made of small rodents and pigeons today.

* Make it appear to the hawk as though you are already being attacked by a falcon.

* Loudly accuse those around you of attempting to steal eggs and hawklings.

* Cool it with the avian slurs today, especially any hawk-specific hate words.

* Contain Dominique Wilkins and you should be fine.

* Let the hawks know that you are only pretending to be a wealthy archaeologist, and that you are actually a "hawkman" from the planet Thanagar.

* Be a bear or some other huge animal that a hawk wouldn't ---- with.

* Wear a thick rubber glove on your out-stretched arm. The hawk may be tired from attacking and may just want to perch.

* Stay inside, drink, and laugh maniacally to yourself about how you warned the residents of your hawk-plagued town that this day would come.

* You finally have a reason to release your own hawks in self-defense.

Props from "Last Action Hero" are in the janitor's closet

Please allow me to highlight the best part of this article on candid comments recorded by "Governor" Arnold Schwarzenegger behind closed doors...

"The meeting probably took place in the Ronald Reagan Cabinet Room, the governor's de facto office that adjoins his smaller official quarters. The conference room faces east toward lush Capitol Park and has a long conference table that serves as a giant desk. The sword from Schwarzenegger's movie "Conan the Barbarian" rests on a nearby table.

Read the full article from the LA Times: Gov.'s Candid Moments Caught on Audiotape

Trucknological

Person Reading My Blog,

Why are reading this blog now? It's Saturday! Oh wait, it's raining. Maybe that's why. If you're still bored later, come see Reuben Williams: Our Time to Shine @ the UCBT tonight. It's at 9 instead of 10:30. Plus, Lennon Parham, Eric Scott and I are welcoming special guests: Eugene Cordero! Ben Rodgers! and Charlie Sanders!

I'm only sad that we didn't use our original title: "Most of the members of Reuben Williams went away for Labor Day but they didn't take Lennon and Eric and Joe but that's okay because they are still going to do a show and guess what? Now it's their time to shine!"

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If you were going to name a truck rental company "Trucknology," you are too late.

Barbiturates Make Me Laugh

I never plug things on here, and this is not something to plug really, but here comes one...

Neil Casey and I are trying out some new sketches at Liquid Courage at the UCBT tonight at midnight. If you've never been, it's a fun show to watch. There are guaranteed to be some winners and at least one totally insane person or sketch.

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After actively learning, performing, and teaching long-form improv for over five years now, I have found myself laughing a lot less when I watch it.

When I first moved to NYC, I was seeing an insane amount of improv on a weekly basis. Currently, in addition to my own weekly show, I watch Harold night every week and usually, at bare minimum, see at least one other improv performance of some kind.

On top of that, I either teach a class or coach a group about five days week.

I’m not enjoying it any less; I guess I just can’t help myself from analyzing it. I find myself thinking “that’s funny” when something funny happens as opposed to laughing.

However, this group of dudes that I coach on Thursday nights always make me crack up consistently for two hours. Looking over my notes from last night, here are improv scenes and specifics that were still able to amuse my cold, robot brain:

Tandem-hiking
Referencing “The Commish”
The word barbiturates
mentioning Spudz McKenzie
“Cadbury dairy milk,” something I’m going to assume is not real
the phrase “sexual mummy”
wrens
saying “eve of Samhain”
playing a character who has bought Spudz McKenzie’s son