What Did You Change It To?

Friday, September 30, 2005

No Tear Gas

If for some reason I was put in charge of breaking up an angry mob, I would definitely turn the hoses on them.

I'd probably feel pretty bad about it afterwards.

Thursday, September 29, 2005


Like most New Yorkers, I don't make my weekend movie plans without picking up a copy of the Villager to get the latest movie reviews from former lawyer, congressman, and Mayor of New York City, Ed Koch:

His thoughts on this week's two biggest releases:

Just Like Heaven:

"Although I never wished death on the woman (Reese Witherspoon), the only sadness I felt while watching this film was that I had to sit through this endless garbage...What has happened to quality in American movies?"

Garcon Stupide:

"The film is half soft- or hard-core porno, depending on your standards, and half artsy-craftsy...This is not a first rate gay flick..."

Ed Koch knows a first rate gay flick when he sees one.

Language Arts

Today, in an effort to remediate the reading skills of my students, we studied word families. While looking at the -EST family, someone made the word "chest." I asked one of the other students to use the word in a sentence.

STUDENT: "My brother said, 'I'm gonna punch that nigga in his chest.'"

I should write a textbook.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Kids Say the Darndest Things

I teach middle school.

In the middle of fourth period today, one of my sixth graders looked up from his "I Am..." poem and innocently announced: "My dick hurts."

This boy is more immature than his peers. He is somewhat lacking in social skills. He was not attempting to distract his classmates, be funny, or upset his teacher. He was simply informing me, before we got ready for lunch, that his "dick hurt."

Luckily half of the class was at speech therapy and no one had heard his remark. In order to avoid what would surely be weeks of non-stop laughter, and at very least the nickname of "Sore Dick" for this boy, I calmly attempted to change the subject.

"Whoa. Right now is not the time to say something like that," I answered. "Tell me about it later."

Tell me about your hurting dick later.

Technically that's what I, the teacher, said.

Look for me on the cover of the Post.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Now I Am Going to Start Blogging, For Real

Somehow the world survived the fact that I waited more than a month between my first and second blog posts.

I promise to never do that to you again, Internet.

Text-Based Cat Cartoon #1

A weary, sad-eyed woman, hands on her hips, looks deep into the eyes of her companion. He has tipped over a once-beautiful glass vase filled with flowers. Water pours down the living room counter. The vase, obviously a cherished possession, possibly even a family heirloom, lies fractured in jagged pieces. The companion looks up at this woman with a face filled with regret. He holds a single flower clenched in his teeth, and through his desperate eyes we can almost hear his thoughts:

COMPANION: "We both know I'm too cute to be mad at."

The companion is a cat.

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