What Did You Change It To?

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Sandra, Sandra, Sandra!

Although Judge Samuel Alito has insisted that he will be his own person, unable to be a "duplicate" of someone with such a "distinguished" and "historic" career, we all know that what really kills him is the fact that he will never be as pretty as Sandra Day O' Connor.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Spookiness Enhancing Drugs

Another Suspension for Skeleton Team

The top competitor on the United States men's skeleton team, Zach Lund, was suspended yesterday after testing positive for a masking agent at a World Cup event last month in Europe. In addition, the U.S. Olympic werewolf team has lost its top werewolf due to comments he made about alcohol use. The U.S. Olympic “pumpkins with spooky eyes” team remains intact.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

I will resist making an "Attack of the Clones" reference for this title

Cloning Was Faked, Report Says

A South Korean researcher who claimed to have cloned human cells fabricated his evidence, investigators reported Tuesday.

The extensive video footage Dr. Hwang submitted to scientific journals across the globe ended up being nothing more than selected clips of Michael Keaton in Multiplicity.

I could've really used two, even three Michael Keatons.

Monday, January 09, 2006

We Put the Heart in Fun

I stay up too late, because I end up googling for things like this instead of getting work done.

I have inquired at Hugabug about what it would take to have these lady clowns perform "gags" that are slightly less than squeaky clean. Because I want juggling for my kid, but I also want some dick jokes for my buddies from work.

Ah, who am I kidding? I don't really have any buddies from work.

putting the liver the fun,


Thursday, January 05, 2006

Big Lobbyin' Spending Gs

Rumors are circulating around Washington that weeks before Jack Abramoff’s infamous golf outing in Scotland with Bob Ney, Abramoff picked up Ney outside the Capitol building in a stretch hummer, poured Hennessy all over Ney’s exposed chest, and then forced the Congressman to do a line of blow off of his “lobbying cane.”


The rest of the photography club won’t be joining us today, Rob. You see, there was no meeting scheduled for this afternoon. I have brought you here to multi-purpose room C in order to deliver the most urgent of news to you, and I’m afraid the great responsibility that goes along with it will change your life forever.

No, Rob, I haven’t been drinking. My supposed drinking problem is nothing more than a crude rumor created by the Earth children that you have spent your life with. I have encouraged the rumor in order to keep my true identity secret from you and the rest of the students and faculty here at Brandywine High School. But please, let me start from the beginning.

Your father, your real father, was one of the top scientists on the planet of Ka’aa. When the rest of the council of elders refused to believe him about the impending destructive ice storms that would ultimately destroy our planet, your father decided to send you, his only son, to find safe haven somewhere else in the galaxy, a planet whose sun and atmosphere most resembled that of Ka’aa.

Please stop fiddling with that camera.

I was sent with you to this planet Earth as a protector, although I have taken many different forms to avoid suspicion from your adoptive Earth family, the Pizers. Also, I’m afraid that my true Thandargian form would horrify you. You first met me as an orderly in the hospital of your birth. After that, you knew me as Ivan, your family’s first landlord, then Marc Raphun, a wheel-chair bound elementary school classmate, and then briefly as a sparrow. For the past five years you have known me as neighbor, physics teacher, and photography club supervisor, Mr. Sudcliff.

Yes, that’s why I do live alone. Although I do have a Beta fish, whom I will miss greatly--

Midterms? My dear boy, you will never need to concern yourself with something as trivial as the assessment of your accumulation of Earth-facts ever again. Yes, I’m afraid you and I are about to embark on a thrilling race for our very lives.

Seriously leave the camera alone. Are you listening to this, Rob?

A renegade alien from the planet K’thyl, an evil being who fancies himself something of an intergalactic hunter, has become aware of your presence here on Earth. He has long kept a space on his mantelpiece for a trophy from the planet of Ka’aa. Now he seeks to hunt you down in order to complete his collection.

Die Hard 2 tickets? Oh, an Earth-film. No, you won’t be able to see “Die Hard 2.” Ngar of K’thyl will be setting down on this planet any moment now and he will not cease until he takes you back to Ho’Mo star system.

Yes...it sounds like “homo” but that’s because I can’t pronounce all of the syllables in its name with this blasted Earth tongue. Leave those negatives alone! I’m seriously not drunk, Rob. I’ve really been sent here to protect you.

Ha, ha! No, you are not a Thandargian. You are a native of Ka’aa. We were enslaved on your planet after an unsuccessful invasion. I was but an infant when my parents were killed in a zagron expedition. Your father raised me as though I was his own son and not his slave. I was treated far better than any other Thandargian, I will tell you that much.

No, I’m not going to take my true Thandargian form here. Well, for starters, did you hear me before? It would be terrifying to you. It would. Yes it would. Anyway, I would need to re-enter the holo-pod--

No, You have no powers. Well, this isn’t one of your Earth comic book fantasies, is it? Yes you have another form, but it is inconceivable in terms of anything that I can explain to you now. Well, it’s complicated...I mean, essentially your true self exists within another dimension. Listen, we’re going to have to do a lot of hiding and running...I can explain all of this to you then. I think for now you should consider gathering some keepsakes from this planet before we board the ship that’s been buried underground for the last 16 years.

What do you think, Rob? Do you think you have time to revise your article on the recent vandalism on the tennis courts for the school paper? Do you think you should risk taking your place on Ngar’s interplanetary game mantelpiece so that Mr. Bodenhouse is not mad at you?!

I do not know if Mr. Bodenhouse is gay. Yes, I could’ve found that out if I wanted to; I guess I was too busy trying to honor your father’s dying wish to keep you safe in order to have part of Ka’aa survive! I cannot understand the fascination with reproductive and sexual habits that the adolescents on this planet harbor. It is not this way on Ka’aa.

Goddamn it! If you don’t put that camera down, I am going to put you into a very deep sleep state using my Thandargian telekinesis. WE HAVE TO GO. Grab your backpack.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

The Memorial Elvin Reflection Pool

Only days after the abrupt end of the “War on Christmas,” the nation now braces itself for the impending “Valentine’s Day Conflict.”

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

No more rescue saws for the North Pole either

Due to cuts in antiterrorism funding, the Department of Homeland Security announced today that it is changing how it evaluates requests for aid money. One of the first expected cuts is the rejection of Kenosha, Wisconsin’s request for a bomb disposal vehicle for its world famous “Cheese Castle.”

Monday, January 02, 2006

Bright forward-facing eyes set low on a big round face

The “Panda-Mania” that recently ensued at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. has helped to make 2005 an “exceptionally cute year” according to the New York Times. 2005 definitely saw a big jump in cuteness when compared to 2004’s “Possum-Mania.”

Sunday, January 01, 2006

If a tsunami is calling you, we'd like to know why

President Bush has directed federal agencies to increase earthquake and volcano monitoring systems, deep ocean buoys, and other high-tech means of alerting ocean communities in order to protect U.S. shores from the threat of a tsunami.

On the low-tech end of things, he plans to continue to secretly eavesdrop on any American suspected of being a "tsunami-affiliate."

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