What Did You Change It To?

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Jesus for Caddyshack II

Comedian Jackie Mason is suing the "Jews for Jesus" for distributing pamphlets featuring his name, likeness, and "shtick." Earlier reports that he was suing the organization "Jews for Caddyshack II" were incorrect.

Whether or not he will have a problem with my organization "Caddyshack II for Jesus" remains to be seen.

Now it's time to play "Which of these statements is a Jackie Mason joke?" (Hint: The other statements are actual Mason quotes about Islam, and I'm pretty sure they are not jokes.)

A. "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something"

B. "Islam: religion of oppression, discrimination, violence, terror, war, superstition, intolerance and prejudice... To Islam the war, which they lost centuries ago, continues... Muslims, married to a failed past, offer little hope for integration into modern society."

C. "[Islam is} a murderous religion. This is amazing information that almost nobody is aware of … everyone thinks that it's a legitimate religion that preaches love and brotherhood. The truth of the matter is [that terrorists] are reflecting the religion and following the religion. They are following the orders of the religion directly from the Quran … in plain English, the whole Muslim religion is preaching and teaching hate, terrorism and murder, and nobody knows it, and its about time they found out about it. The Quran … is 50 versions of hate, venom, hostility, and murder … dedicated to terrorism … I don't know how we can call it a religion in the traditional sense. It should be called a murderous organization that's out to kill people.


Tuesday, August 29, 2006

30 Seconds to Eyeliner Application

Jared Leto, seen here outside a West Hollywood lounge, has been writing a lot of poems about dead birds in study hall.

All Your Gametes Are Belong to Us

Ah, it seems you have found my evil lair. Clever. Very clever indeed.

Unfortunately, you are too late. Nothing now can stop the evil plan of Dr. Andrew von Eschenbach!

Last week I used my power as acting FDA commissioner to make the infamous Plan B available... over the counter !! Hahahahahaha!

Now all of my evil plans may come to fruition! My dreams of murdering thousands of little babies shall come true! I will murder them before they are even remotely close to being considered babies! Mwuhahahaha!

So much power I wield!

I will help prevent ovulation !

I will cause countless teenagers to acquire STDs !

Lonely sperm inside a woman's reproductive tract will find nothing to fertilize !

I have granted women the ability to control, to a limited extent, when they will expel a gamete !

Oh, and the promiscuity will shall see! Oh, the promiscuity!

You may as well give up. The evil legacy of Dr. Andrew von Eschenbach will last forever more!!! Mwuahahahahahaha!

Monday, August 28, 2006

"Babe of the Nation"

I read an article in the New York Times about a troupe of dancers/performers from Los Angeles who traveled to Baghdad to perform for US soliders there. The dancers go by the name "The Purrfect Angelz". For the fact that their name that contains two awesomely misspelled wordz alone, I decided to check out their site.

Apparently, the Angelz have assembled to "bless the entertainment industry with style and grace" and they are available to "draw attention to your booth at a trade show."

My favorite part of the site is that each anjell has her own page where they share with you their turn ons, turns offs, the names of their pets, and of course a (secret).

My highlights:

Under Accomplishments, Jennifer P proudly lists her position at the "National Water Bra Spokesmodel," and Jori was apparently named "Babe of the nation" by something called "Extreme Gong."

Turn-Ons: "muscles and ambition" (Christy), "daredevils and lots of chocolate" (Lisa), and "sex, drugs, & rock n' roll, JUST KIDDING! kissing" (a different Christy).

Most of the secrets were disappointing. Apparently, a lot of models hold the same secret of being "goofy." Except for Kim who can "juggle fire wands" with her eyes closed.

If you are in a new all-dude improv group, please, name yourselves The Purrfect Angelz. I will attend all of your purrformances.

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