I Don't Use This Blog

I'm sure you could have figured that out without this post.

I am regularly using this blog:

www.joewengert.tumblr.com.

Does Blogger hate posts like this?

Oh well.

GOODBYE FOREVER!

Maze Disaster

Hey kids! I know that this blog has already provided you with so many invaluable life lessons, but somehow I’m back with yet another tool to help all of you deal with the many dangers surrounding you:

"FEMA Disaster Preparedness Maze"

I hope that you all take the time to figure out how to find your way through this very realistic and accurate drill. You never know when the “real thing” could happen.

If you helped “Freddy FEMA” make it home, consider yourself ready to face the most commonly occurring and dangerous threats plaguing our country today:

1) Low-hanging power lines

2) GATORS!!

3) Dangerously leaning buildings

4) Sailboats in the middle of the road

Stay Safe! Keep Nodding!

Terminator 4: Lowering of the Emissions

CA State Legislature Figures Out Way to Listen to Schwarzenegger
Without Being So Weirded Out That He's Governor

One thing's for sure: the toy dachshund is lucky to be alive.

This is by far the best headline I've read in two months:

"Boy Kicks Hawk in the Face, Rescues Dog"

This blog is on its way to becoming your number one site for hawk-related news briefs.

...I swear to God I don't just sit around and google the words "hawk attack."

Motivation

I wish that I were more intrinsically motivated to update this blog.

Until that happens, getting MySpace'd! by random people from high school is enough to do the trick.

Probably.

Hawk Attack!

There's nothing like waking up in the morning and seeing a headline like this: "Hawks Attack More Than 100 People in Rio"

I can't decide what I like better; this lead: "Residents of crime-plagued Rio de Janeiro have a new kind of predator to worry about -- hawks" or this quote: "This happens all the time in poor areas and people think it's funny, but when it happens in rich neighborhoods they start calling them attacks."

If poor people getting attacked by hawks is funny, rich people getting attacked by hawks is hilarious. A poor person hawk-attack makes me kinda sad. What's more symbolic of a guy getting kicked while he's down than a homeless man under hawk-attack? Witnessing a wealthy dowager being menaced by a bird of prey would make me laugh for days.

Now is the perfect time for me to finally share my...

HAWK ATTACK PREVENTION TIPS

* Don't wear your coat made of small rodents and pigeons today.

* Make it appear to the hawk as though you are already being attacked by a falcon.

* Loudly accuse those around you of attempting to steal eggs and hawklings.

* Cool it with the avian slurs today, especially any hawk-specific hate words.

* Contain Dominique Wilkins and you should be fine.

* Let the hawks know that you are only pretending to be a wealthy archaeologist, and that you are actually a "hawkman" from the planet Thanagar.

* Be a bear or some other huge animal that a hawk wouldn't ---- with.

* Wear a thick rubber glove on your out-stretched arm. The hawk may be tired from attacking and may just want to perch.

* Stay inside, drink, and laugh maniacally to yourself about how you warned the residents of your hawk-plagued town that this day would come.

* You finally have a reason to release your own hawks in self-defense.

Props from "Last Action Hero" are in the janitor's closet

Please allow me to highlight the best part of this article on candid comments recorded by "Governor" Arnold Schwarzenegger behind closed doors...

"The meeting probably took place in the Ronald Reagan Cabinet Room, the governor's de facto office that adjoins his smaller official quarters. The conference room faces east toward lush Capitol Park and has a long conference table that serves as a giant desk. The sword from Schwarzenegger's movie "Conan the Barbarian" rests on a nearby table.

Read the full article from the LA Times: Gov.'s Candid Moments Caught on Audiotape